Tenchi Woo-yo!
by CardboardArmor
Summary: A particularly blasphemous fic about John Woo directing Tenchi Muyo!


*Disclaimer: None of the below mentioned characters/entities belong to me. Except for CardboardArmor, who is I. I suppose I should be almost Cartoon Network-like in my attempts at censorship so here goes. This fic contains a gratuitous usage of guns and badly placed camera effects as it is a parody of what would happen if John Woo directed Tenchi Muyo, it also mangles the characterization of many beloved anime characters, as expected. If any of this turns you on, then call me. My number is...All right, my lawyers have urged me to start the fic and to shut up. *  
  
Wasted Time Productions presents...  
  
In conjunction with Drakstern Studios...  
  
A CardboardArmor/Drakstern Joint...  
  
"Tenchi Muyo: First Blood"  
  
It was a blissfully boring morning at the Masaki household. For about all of two seconds.  
  
Ryoko's eyes snapped open, the camera having moved to a close up of them as she looked to her right side. Ryoko's hands moved with speed beyond imagination to the twin Glocks secreted in holsters at her hip as she tumbled forward, just milliseconds before the bullets from Ayeka's two chrome-plated, ivory-handled Desert Eagles tore through the rafter she was sleeping on.  
  
Bullets penetrated the floor of Tenchi's room, rousing the young man from his sleep. It took him only a heartbeat to realize what was happening. In unnecessarily slow motion, he grabbed up his holster and charged out of his room. Only once he was out of the scene did time resume it's normal flow.  
  
Downstairs in the kitchen, Sasami dived behind the counter as shots from Mihoshi tore through the flimsy paper and bamboo screen separating the cooking area from the dining room. Rummaging through a drawer, Sasami sighed to herself as she took out the .38 Special and a box of ammo and calmly started loading the gun. The young girl looked up from her task, at the face of Ryo-Ohki. The cabbit had, itself, just woken up to the sounds of gunfire. Sasami nodded to Ryo-Ohki, who had managed to wake up enough to grimly nod back. She reached into the drawer once more and handed the furry creature its weapon, a Beretta 9mm with a carrot monogrammed on the grip. Ryo-Ohki took the weapon and dramatically cocked back the slide and chambered a round.  
  
Tenchi walked down the stairs, stopping as if held by an invisible hand as a bullet lodged itself into the wall just centimeters from his head. He barely twitched as the pungently sweet odor of gunpowder and oil filled his nostrils. Instead, he smiled and reached for the shoulder holster he now wore, to the .357 Magnum he kept in case of...morning problems. The gun's weight was reassuring as he leaped down the rest of the stairs, absorbing the brunt of his momentum by making a controlled collision with the wall. He raised up the mammoth pistol, cocked back the hammer with his thumb and fired into the hailstorm of bullets that had consumed the Masaki family living room, the report was deafening. Tenchi smiled coldly.  
  
Just as all this was happening, Noboyuki and Yosho kicked in the front door. Dressed in crisply tailored suits, each sported a fashionable pair of sunglasses over their eyes and an Uzi in each hand. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was about to happen. Seconds later, automatic gunfire tore into the room, forcing everyone to dive for cover. Yosho's gun clicked empty and with a flick of his wrist the empty magazine fell to the floor, smoke rising in slow motion from the barrel. To his side, his son Noboyuki was providing covering fire. Slamming a spare clip into the gun and pulling back on the bolt, Yosho was soon firing again.  
  
A spray of blood flew into the air, shown three separate times from three separate camera angles, as Ryoko's shot found it's mark in Ayeka. The Jurian Princess collapsed to the ground, one of her pistols clattering to the ground as her wounded arm lost all its strength. Ayeka tried vainly to raise her other gun to defend herself, but Ryoko kicked her arm away before putting the barrel of her Glock just millimeters from Ayeka's forehead. Both glared at each other, Ayeka was defiant to the bitter end.  
  
Then Ryoko pulled the trigger.  
  
The empty click resounded throughout the house, and all the shooting stopped as everyone peered up from where they had sought cover.  
  
The floor of the Masaki house was littered with spent shells and clips, the air was thick with the smoke from repeated firing. Despite it all, Tenchi's voice was still clearly audible to everyone there.  
  
"Well, that was fun! Now who's up for some paintball?"  
  
Outside, white doves flew by the house, a feather from one falling in dramatically slow motion, until it landed on the surface of the lake. The camera focuses in on it, as these words come onto the screen.  
  
~Fin~ 


End file.
